No Apologies Necessary
by Career Coach Cathy Groos
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(Coaching Tips to dramatically improve how you are heard and perceived)
Talk Tip: No Apologies Necessary
Have you heard yourself saying something along the lines of?
• “I’m sorry, is someone sitting here?”
• “I’m sorry to bother you, I was wondering if I could get on your calendar…”
• Perhaps someone in a meeting says: Carol would you repeat that? Carol’s reply---”I’m sorry, I said…”
• Perhaps, just perhaps you are standing on a crowded plane trying to get your luggage into the overhead and someone bumps into you…your reply?---“I’m sorry, just a sec and I’ll be out of your way…”
There is a great quote by Lois Wyse:
“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths”
And by George, women being the thorough human beings that we are, I do believe have taken this to the next level and pretty much apologize for just breathing air!
On Ramping? Off ramping? In either or both scenarios it is common for women in general (not so much men) to apologize when no apology is necessary or needed BUT, BUT , BUT, it is noticed and it puts out there an air of ‘unsure’ or ‘timid’ or even introduces the possibility of a problem. Think of it this way, if YOU were doing the hiring, wouldn’t you feel more confident in the candidate who is confident of the value they can add, vs. the candidate who is a bit timid and unsure? I’m not saying that the ‘unsure’ or ‘timid’ air even lands on people at a conscious level, it may be a few layers down from that—but apologizing when no apology is necessary is a step away from goodness as far as communicating the value you bring.
So my profound coaching tip…? Drum roll please…-----Stop it. (smile)
So this next week:
• I encourage you to take a mental note this of the times you apologize when none is necessary.
o Once you become aware of the ‘habit of apologizing’, it almost gets rid of itself. You’ll see.
o Oh, and be particularly aware if you have been out of the workplace for awhile. Apologizing when none is necessary runs rampant in the parent and volunteer world.
• Listen to others for their unnecessary apologies. It too will heighten your awareness. (You’ll be a bit tickled by the realization of how prevalent it is. I leave it up to you as to whether you coach others on their use of apologies!)
• Just replace your apology with nothing, no words.
o “I’m sorry, is someone sitting here?” becomes “Is someone sitting here?”
o “I’m sorry to bother you, I was wondering if I could get on your calendar?” becomes “Can I get on your calendar?” (I took out the “I was wondering” as a bonus,--that’s called a “Hedge” and we’ll talk about that in a following tip).
o You get the idea!
Eliminating your unnecessary apologies is a simple ‘tweak’ that will have a dramatic positive result in how you are heard and perceived …You’ll know it, you’ll feel it.
Have fun with it!
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