Think You’re Too Busy to Take Time for Yourself? Think Again!

Interview with Career Coach Alexandra Jenkins

Who better to go to with questions about balancing motherhood, employment, relationships, and other life issues than a longtime friend and former college roommate? That’s what I did this month – I called on Erin Hutchinson to learn from her experience as mother, wife, full-time employee, volunteer, and quilter.

Tell me a bit about yourself and your various roles.
I have two sons (ages 5 ½ and nearly 3) and a wonderful husband who works as Head Men’s Basketball Coach at Washington and Lee University (WLU). In my own work life, I’m the Senior Assistant Director of Admissions/Scholarship Coordinator/ Coordinator for Multicultural Recruitment at the same university. My non-work activities include volunteering with a PTA, serving on the board of my son’s daycare, and participating in a quilting guild.

Describe your work when you became a mom.
I had just completed my first year as a high school technology teacher when my older son was born.

Did you take time off after becoming a mother?
Yes, I was at home for 4 months and then went back to work part-time. We moved from Cleveland to Virginia before my son’s first birthday, and I then started as part-time Assistant Director of Admissions at WLU. This position morphed into a full-time one, and I began traveling. When my younger son was born, I took off 2.5 months. I would have preferred to take more time off, but that was the limit of my paid maternity leave. I managed by nursing during my lunch hour and didn’t travel as much for his first year. I took my infant with me on work trips and was – luckily – able to bring my mother along for assistance. This was helpful, but I still felt torn between work and my baby!

How did you choose your new career path?
Even before moving to Virginia for my husband’s new job with WLU, I had been looking at positions in college admissions in Cleveland.  The school where I had been teaching was downsizing, so I used that opportunity to explore prospects in a new field.  I knew I wanted to continue working with teenagers, and college admissions seemed a likely possibility.  When we moved, it was serendipitous that someone had just left the position of Assistant Director of Admissions/ Coordinator of Multicultural Recruitment in WLU’s Admissions Office. I was offered the job within ten days of arriving in town. I credit my success with networking – letting people know what I needed and asking if they had any helpful advice or referrals. I find that this strategy, combined with being in the right place at the right time, can work better than the more formal job search channels.

What do you find most rewarding about balancing family and work?
I enjoy meeting new people, and the people I meet on my job while traveling in Latin America or West Virginia are very different than the people I meet through my children or through my quilting or volunteerism.  I relish the fullness that all these disparate interactions give to my life and to my worldview.
 
What are your greatest challenges in balancing family and work?
I would say that no matter how hard I work at meeting the needs of my family and my workplace, I often feel guilty about not doing either job well enough. It’s easy to feel torn. Additionally, the days fill up so fast that it can feel hard to fit everything in. Since my husband travels frequently for work, I also find myself needing to provide much of the childcare solo while he’s away.

How do you manage these challenges?
I find it invaluable to express the issues that are most concerning to me, whether at work or home. Not every matter is worth bringing up, but there are some that can be resolved so effectively with just a little communication. It helps me not to just keep these frustrations to myself.

Another strategy that works is that I do a good job of planning vacations for the whole family, as well as connecting with my husband and kids on weekends that we both have off.

Finding outside interests just for myself is also a saving grace. Even though these commitments come with added responsibilities, having something that’s just for me helps me to maintain my identity as an individual. When I have a free moment, I try to do something quilting related – that’s my creative outlet.

While it takes time and effort, I find it rewarding to serve on the board for my children's daycare provider and to be an active member of the PTA at my son’s kindergarten.  It’s a way to have some input and insight into how my children are cared for when I am not the one providing the care.  It is hard to turn them over to someone else, and this helps to alleviate some of my guilt and my doubts.

Another huge factor that makes our lives workable is my husband’s willingness and skill at jumping into the childcare fray when his schedule permits. In fact, I recently planned a weekend at a Bed and Breakfast with my twin sister, just the two of us (part of my "don't forget your own needs" coping strategy – see below).  My husband was full-time caregiver for three days.  He does that when I travel for work as well. I am fortunate to have a husband who is both willing to and wonderful at providing care for our children.

How do you take care of yourself?
I’m a big believer in making time for my own needs, as well as for others’. For example, I recognize that when I exercise, I have a higher energy level. It’s not easy to fit into my schedule, though, so building exercise into everyday activities is key. Doing things with my family, like roller-skating or walking together, gives me the opportunity to spend time with them in a way that also benefits me personally.

Carving out time alone is also important. I’m a morning person, so I try to plan things for myself before the kids wake up. Whether it’s checking personal email, quilting, or having some quiet time with a book and cup of tea on the porch, it’s worth it to take the time to find out who I am and how I work best.

Also at the top of my list in terms of self-care is remembering my relationship with my husband. I often have to struggle against fatigue so I can make time for the two of us, but the feeling of connection we generate makes the effort worth it.

Do you have a mentor? If so, how does that relationship support you?
I have people I turn to for very specific things. My three siblings are amazing, and we learn from each other. For example, my brother often reminds me that something doesn’t have to seem practical to become a reality. Along those lines, my dream is to create a cottage industry with my twin sister, who’s a knitter, and we’ve created a plan to produce children’s items for a craft show in summer 2009. My mother, of course, has always been a huge influence. She’s my "strength in the face of adversity" role model.  She not only provides me with examples of how she managed to raise four happy and well-adjusted kids, but she also helps me to see my own strength when I think I am faltering. Overall, I would say that I cobble together a ”super mentor” out of  people in my life who have different things to offer.

What advice would you offer to other mothers?
I have three main pieces of advice. First, it’s crucial to find other people to talk to who are in a similar situation. When my first son was an infant, I joined a nursing group. This was helpful because I was able to discuss both nursing and back-to-work issues with the other mothers, and these conversations validated some of the conflicting feelings I had about going back to work. It also helped me that I stayed in touch with distant friends. Just remember that you don’t have to go it alone.

It’s also important to recognize that you can’t do everything. Learn how to say no if you’re not adept at it yet. I’ve said “No” to a few big requests recently and am SO proud of having done so!

Finally, try to change your job to fit you and your family's needs, rather than the other way around.  For example, when my older son began riding the bus to kindergarten, I adjusted my work hours so that I started a half an hour earlier. This allowed me to go directly to work after seeing him onto the bus and also to be able to pick the kids up half an hour earlier, giving us more time together in the afternoons.  I am lucky to have an employer that is willing to accommodate my needs and requests. It’s important to try to make adjustments on the job front as much as possible, rather than having your family make sacrifices.  After all, I can always get another job, but my family is irreplaceable.