Where is the Water Cooler When You Need It?

It has been a big week for personally sad news.

A good friend’s father was diagnosed with a particularly bad form of cancer. Another friend is going in for prostate cancer surgery, but mostly spends time reading the obits. A neighbor’s close friend was hit by a car and a man who frequently biked through our neighborhood killed himself. My mom’s best friend died on Tuesday and her next-door neighbor died on Thursday.

My neighbor and I were talking about all of this on our morning hike. Her young son accompanied us. He asked, in the simple way that little kids do, “Is that why you and dad never go to bed mad at each other?”

His question cut to the quick. I thought about my week and how I felt particularly disconnected from my husband in large part because I reacted to each piece of news about someone else’s tragedy and he remained steadfastly unmoved. I was angry that he wasn’t sad or upset.

This kid’s question drove home a very important point. I was injecting distance into my relationship at a time when I wanted closeness. I judged my husband’s reactions and because they weren’t my own, I was rejecting him, thus denying myself what I needed. I was causing us to “go to bed angry” in a way.

In the past, when I worked in a large corporation and had clients, co-workers, projects and multiple distractions, I think I processed these sorts of events more easily because I had more stimuli. Now, working in a home office, pared down to my laptop, BlackBerry, mobile phone and a few close contacts, I have to make a much greater effort to reach out, and when I do, I feel selfish about it.

Granted, it was an exceptionally bad week and one that I hope no one else goes through. But, the point I (finally) realized is that without the cushion of an office full of people and projects and activities to buffer and distract and dissipate these sorts of intense emotions, it becomes even more important to turn to and nurture our close relationships in whatever form they take and however they may respond to us.

Turns out that the water cooler was beneficial for more than just gossip!