OnRamping and Killer Careers

“Honey, Am I Killing You with My Career?” was the title given by the Wall Street Journal to an article that appeared in the November 19th edition discussing the potentially life-shortening risks of dual-career couples.

“Working Women Are Killers” blogged Greg Mankiw.

YourOnRamp picked up on both of these and the underlying study, and asked for readers’ observations and opinions regarding dual-earning households' health and stress. I instantly thought about the connection in my life and in the lives of my friends between the decision to off-ramp and seek alternate on-ramps and the need that my husband and I had to better manage the stress that our dual-career family was causing us.

I emailed the article to a friend who replied (only slightly tongue-in-cheek) that she didn’t get it. Preferring to believe that a dual income will always afford her a cook, major domestic help and a nanny, she didn’t see how stress would accumulate to lethal proportions. And, if it did, well, how does one prove that one died too early, anyway. Quoting her nanny, “when your number’s up, your number’s up.”

In her view, Prada would get the life insurance proceeds and she’d get longed for peace and quiet, thus ensuring a win-win situation.

She was, of course joking, but her point was that work is fine as long as it affords both partners the lifestyle that works for them. In their case, significant household staff is important (and they live in a country where household help is more readily affordable). They also have a wicked sense of humor about such things as work-life balance and each has taken long sabbaticals (paid or not) to pursue passions or hobbies when the day-to-day work stresses got to be too much.

This raises the question: does having a sense of humor towards the stress of dual-career relationships help? Does having a label and a ‘touch point’ for it make it easier to handle?

Another friend is an interior designer who tackles only major, high-end upper West Side remodels in New York. Many of her clients move out while their co-ops are under renovation, but for those who choose to live in the home while it is being remodeled, she gives them a large, purple and white refrigerator magnet that states, “80% of all couples who live in a home while undergoing a major renovation end up divorcing”.

“Who knows if 80% is the right number”, she says. The point is, when couples begin to crumble under the stress, one of them can point to the magnet and remind themselves that what they are undertaking is stressful and dangerous to their marriage and health. That simple act is often enough to douse the sparks of major arguments and diffuse fights. When she and her husband remodeled their loft, she often pointed to the sign on their refrigerator and reminded herself that they were building something together.

As I write this, I am waiting for my appointment with my husband to discuss how we’re going to pay for the over-run on our landscaping job. He’s at a conference; I just returned from a week out-of-town. We’ve emailed and left voicemail messages. We finally made an appointment for ten minutes of phone time and sent an agenda. May seem distant or business-like, but for us, it works. It is one way to manage our time, stress and keep the wheels on.

Off-ramping, looking for alternate ways to on-ramp, having one spouse work part-time or not at all outside the home – there are many ways that couples are trying to manage the stresses of dual careers.

The more I talk with others about this issue, the more I believe that there are as many solutions as there are people and what works for one couple today many not work for them in two or five years.

What works for you? Is this part of the decision behind your off-ramping or on-ramping adventure?